Morning, Morning, Morning ….. wake up to “Face the World” but when I woke up today there was a thought that crept in saying Am I Awake Enough to face my day? later I felt I am not! what should I do? why am I feeling this way as I should be positive nothing negative happened yesterday plus we were trained since childhood be positive when you wake up. So I started contemplating on these thoughts, I had no reasons for these heavy feeling than there was a rush of all these memories that came right in front of my eyes where it felt like I am watching my own movie, in disbelief i thought I was through with it, it’s the past than why I am remembering it but while watching it felt a pit in my stomach, after a while, a realization came that just because I ignored thinking about it doesn’t mean my I am over it, like a dirty pile of laundry, it has started to smell, So when I looked around my room (my mind) I had no clue it was soo mucky as a quick reaction I wanted to start cleaning but did not know where should I start, how do you start, do I need help ??? I felt so overwhelmed when I was forced to deal with the source of each problem individually to clean my dirty, messy room to make space for the future morning but this is not one morning deal, it’s a journey and this was my wake up call.
After an hour I gave myself anxiety attack, so I jumped out of bed now fully awake got in the bath sat on the toilet for 10 min (SIDE NOTE:- Women body are amazing like you can sit for an hour and you can keep on peeing in intervals) not sure how should I be feeling happy/disappointed/sad/hollow etc. At the end of the shower, I just felt anger pure red the 20 min car ride to work I knew I am angry don’t know why I. It doesn’t make sense of this feeling as when I woke up at 5 am to 7.30 am I had a range of emotions and at the end, I am just angry but on whom/why/how. At last, I reached work I met a housekeeper with a smile she asked me “How is the number looking for the weekend?” and my heart dropped because it dawned on me I just did not want to face this Covid19 ridden “New Normal” world is not about “MY Messy Room” but I do not see the light at the end of the tunnel and how am I suppose to give hope to other people. I had to reply her something, so I told her the truth because I do not want to give someone false hope as that is worst than shouting “Wolve is here” in that instant she just sighed later said along the line I wish they kicked me out as well at least I would get the compensation money than slogging for 2 people and not getting anything positive in return. At that moment I just hugged her because what she was feeling is exactly everyone in this working-class people is feeling. So, I went to changing myself gather myself, wash my face realised I we are in this hole together nothing can prepare you how to react to situations where you have no control over.
In the briefing, everyone presenting their task list and numbers felt like Hey! at least they have something positive to show but when it was my turn shared my number and my tasks list consisted of replying my emails were following up refunds and dealing with the finance department than it hit me like a train wreck what positive am I doing for myself? what “Selfcare” activity I am doing and why am I feeling responsible for the world. If I can clean up my room, create more space, be kind to myself than only I take in these covid19 mornings.
To the dear people reading this, you can’t save the world without saving yourself, you can’t fight someone else battles but if you take care of yourself you can be strong support for others and for yourself. So when I will wake up tomorrow instead of thinking I have to “Face the World” I will say what’s the most important mess that I need to sort out, make space for today. When coming to work I don’t have to be happy or extremely positive but just accept the fact things are going to happen that I won’t have any control over, so how I take in the matter of the situation, being supportive to my colleagues in the least but not at the cost of my mental and emotional health.
Morning is your’s make what you want it to be. If you’re not ready for it take your time with it. Don’t forget you are here that is why you can set whatever tone for your day.