YOU UGLY!

This article is dedicated to my young cousins and any teenagers who are entering adulthood.

Based on the title “You Ugly” I would make whole bullet points, I even thought about how society has mould our principles on what beauty is and are we up to its standards. Sadly, the issue with these false set standards are they’re so vague plus we base it on emotions of whom have we surround ourself with. Seriously, avoid asking anyone but especially Asian aunties (Chinese / Thai / Malay / Indian etc..) “How Do I Look?” because you know what’s coming next, their replies will be sarcastic and it will be along the line of “You look so beautiful but you know if you apply some honey on your face twice a honey all the acne will go away” or “Oh My God! This dress looks so good on your body, next time try wearing dark color it will make you look slimmer” or “You know in the market nowadays you get padded bra wear those or the boys will think you are one of them” etc… than all your confidence you had when you left your mirror turns into self doubts. So when I sat down to write this, my mind went blank all the bullet points were valid but nothing would flow. I wanted to change the topic or easily write about body image, I just couldn’t stop thinking about why I created this topic at the first place. For a week, it was like having writer block, but I am not even a writer.

After a while, I almost gave up but as I scratching it way (I am so good at giving up) that day I felt tired and exhausted getting ready to take a shower so I can meet the man of my dream in my sleep so I needed to be fresh (yes I am very single). At the end of my “bathing rituals”, I looked myself in the mirror and went “Mirror Mirror on the wall who is the most messed up one of them all” like Queen Grimhilde (evil queen in snow white), naturally, my second thought should be “LOL” and move on with what I was doing but for no particular reason I just asked “how are you feeling?” within seconds tears were coming out with no particular reason in my mind, my head was down just sobbing to take a breath I looked up saw myself in the mirror and soothed myself as a second person without realizing I said “It’s OK, you did what you thought was the best at that moment” out loud, that lead to the most liberating and self-love moment I had because I know I am my worst critic, there are invisible wounds I have given to my soul and this body over the years but they have only to keep giving me enough to that my body kept it moving and my soul made sure my conscious was clear (I am not intentionally harming anyone). So till how long can I be a brat and remove faults in myself and not take responsibilities of the decisions. Mistakes were made and as I grow, I will make more. That is why I should woman up and deal with the repercussions and forgive myself while dealing with it.So, I collected myself with no clue how long I was crying, took a shower again it felt light I lost weight (Side Note:- Just imagine if we can physically lose weight, we all cry babies just shedding kilos and the weight loss industry would be so different), my face glowing, heart filled with nothing but compassion for myself and that was the best conversation I had with myself. That night I had the most peaceful sleep in a long time, woke up with my mind clear and my heart filled with peace .

When I was around 20, an understanding was coming in about the definition of “Beautiful & Ugly” because what I found beautiful others did not like it, so they got vocal about it, manipulated (by saying why their version is correct and will be so persistent until you get tired and agree with them) and worst of all is when others gives unsolicitated advice like they’re disturbing free flyer on the side of the road, without taking my feelings into considerations. So as I grew this so called “Beauty” made me felt how ugly it was, that slowly gave me the strength to say “No, this is not what I want” which I used it for all the aspect of my life from What dress I want to wear or the career I want to work in and even to who I want to say satsriakal (greet) etc… Once you that strength kicks in, gradually you will accept all your past faults that will lead you to stop blaming circumstances or others for where you are at life. Honestly, you will sincerely appreciate the freedom of choice and learn who you truly are. After a while when you take a shower and look at yourself in the mirror you won’t say “You Ugly” anymore but “Hey Beautiful, You did well”. Trust me this will be will be your beautiful moment, do not be mistaken this is a process there will be days you will hate the person you see but those moments will slowly decrease as time goes on.

What I want you to take away from this post is self-love is vital, it creates a strong stability in yourself and is one of the most powerful form of love you can gift yourself, but unlike any form of love it will need continuous work and tolerance for yourself. My unsolicitated advice for youngsters are this is your life so live it your way and don’t listen to all the advice others give you because they have lived their life and have faced their set of challenges. You need to be an author of your own story because life will happen, you will make mistakes and you alone will face those consequences (and that’s the fact). Trust me, once you make your own decision always analyze the pros and the cons of it and you will be amazed how everything else will fall in place in due time.

Covid-19 Morning

Morning, Morning, Morning ….. wake up to “Face the World” but when I woke up today there was a thought that crept in saying Am I Awake Enough to face my day? later I felt I am not! what should I do? why am I feeling this way as I should be positive nothing negative happened yesterday plus we were trained since childhood be positive when you wake up. So I started contemplating on these thoughts, I had no reasons for these heavy feeling than there was a rush of all these memories that came right in front of my eyes where it felt like I am watching my own movie, in disbelief i thought I was through with it, it’s the past than why I am remembering it but while watching it felt a pit in my stomach, after a while, a realization came that just because I ignored thinking about it doesn’t mean my I am over it, like a dirty pile of laundry, it has started to smell, So when I looked around my room (my mind) I had no clue it was soo mucky as a quick reaction I wanted to start cleaning but did not know where should I start, how do you start, do I need help ??? I felt so overwhelmed when I was forced to deal with the source of each problem individually to clean my dirty, messy room to make space for the future morning but this is not one morning deal, it’s a journey and this was my wake up call.

After an hour I gave myself anxiety attack, so I jumped out of bed now fully awake got in the bath sat on the toilet for 10 min (SIDE NOTE:- Women body are amazing like you can sit for an hour and you can keep on peeing in intervals) not sure how should I be feeling happy/disappointed/sad/hollow etc. At the end of the shower, I just felt anger pure red the 20 min car ride to work I knew I am angry don’t know why I. It doesn’t make sense of this feeling as when I woke up at 5 am to 7.30 am I had a range of emotions and at the end, I am just angry but on whom/why/how. At last, I reached work I met a housekeeper with a smile she asked me “How is the number looking for the weekend?” and my heart dropped because it dawned on me I just did not want to face this Covid19 ridden “New Normal” world is not about “MY Messy Room” but I do not see the light at the end of the tunnel and how am I suppose to give hope to other people. I had to reply her something, so I told her the truth because I do not want to give someone false hope as that is worst than shouting “Wolve is here” in that instant she just sighed later said along the line I wish they kicked me out as well at least I would get the compensation money than slogging for 2 people and not getting anything positive in return. At that moment I just hugged her because what she was feeling is exactly everyone in this working-class people is feeling. So, I went to changing myself gather myself, wash my face realised I we are in this hole together nothing can prepare you how to react to situations where you have no control over. 

In the briefing, everyone presenting their task list and numbers felt like Hey! at least they have something positive to show but when it was my turn shared my number and my tasks list consisted of replying my emails were following up refunds and dealing with the finance department than it hit me like a train wreck what positive am I doing for myself? what “Selfcare” activity I am doing and why am I feeling responsible for the world. If I can clean up my room, create more space, be kind to myself than only I take in these covid19 mornings. 

To the dear people reading this, you can’t save the world without saving yourself, you can’t fight someone else battles but if you take care of yourself you can be strong support for others and for yourself. So when I will wake up tomorrow instead of thinking I have to “Face the World” I will say what’s the most important mess that I need to sort out, make space for today. When coming to work I don’t have to be happy or extremely positive but just accept the fact things are going to happen that I won’t have any control over, so how I take in the matter of the situation, being supportive to my colleagues in the least but not at the cost of my mental and emotional health. 

Morning is your’s make what you want it to be. If you’re not ready for it take your time with it. Don’t forget you are here that is why you can set whatever tone for your day. 

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑