Walking On Egg’s Shell

You are your own person, the only edition existing in this world, why let other gets to write your story?

Things your so-called loved ones will say ‘you’re fine as you’re – be yourself – you should be proud of yourself – you’re enough – you are fine just the way you’re’ then why does it has to follow with but maybe you should tone it down with new people etc. People will validate your existence, later they will present you with an actual ‘Change Yourself List’ it will entail with on how you should be behaving because you as a person is not palatable for this society, that means you won’t make friends or worst attract a partner. Later you are conditioned to believe that be yourself but only when no one is around no one should know the real you that will make you a shell of a person that can fit the normal that this society but when you’re by yourself you hate yourself for letting this society conditions you. But do these well-wisher stop for a moment and think our characters and behaviors are the product of the life we have lived.

Life is unforgiving power, they will make sure you learn how the world works which is the pure law of Karma. In the process they will teach you there is no option for a second chance, they won’t even let you apologize for your mistakes or even tell you where were you wrong or how is it disrespectful or where you could have tried to save yourself but they do give you silent and hidden warning signals which are soo faint that you just pass through it without realizing it. They just silently take notes of your life like Santa Clause list, the moment you feel you have faced all the problems in your life and finally, you’re on top of the world, then they smile and say ‘Are you having fun? Do you honestly think you’re invincible? Ok!’ and just push you to the pits of the hell. It normally follows with financial, emotional or physicals distress but when they feel your confidence turns into ego then they give you all tri-factor and 99.99% is all based on what you have put out in the world. Once they place their wrath on you, then all your past courage and faith are tested by how will you face that situations, will you Drown(just blame the world, you are an innocent victim) /Float (still can’t process what happened, ignore the issue, it will resolve by itself) / Swim (Fight mode, what I need to do to get out of it) these modes are the way we become a survivor and you enter the next part of your life.

But based on how we choose to survive and later heal from it defines the human we are becoming. We need to understand that when we look at your 15-year-old self we can not say ‘Oh! I am the same person at the age of 20’, instead you will say ‘Oh! those were the days and look at us now…hahaha ‘ there will be memories that will serve you a reminder of how you got there. This what a ‘Life cycle’ and we all go through it, based on it, we learn to cope with it. This process of getting over leads to some very prominent changes that will be visible from our core, energy and outside appearance Example:- the like / dislike changes, making new or redefining boundaries with people, may start to remove people from your life that suffocates us, learn to live with the problem, may not give value to what others deem valuable, become very choosy with whom we want to spend time with, the way you start talking, your mannerism changes with different people, the way you dress, trying to make comprises only for the right reason, trying to be as honest with yourself and the list goes on.

The sad part is everyone goes through their life cycle and still dares to tell others how they should be living their lives instead of having empathy for others. The sad fact is when you reject their list they will make you feel guilty as they were doing it from love. We all have this one life so let them be if you don’t like the way dress, talk, do things, who they choose to love, have a colourful bedroom life or even choose to do the wrong things etc just let them be. if you truly love them your job is to give them advice if they asked, just be there when they need you and be honest to yourself walk away from them, isn’t that what love should be.

Just food for thought, if you love me then why do I have to fit your criteria to be with you, I welcome your boundaries but I should be the one to decide if I want to or how much will I compromise. Respect brutally honest people because they are strong enough to live an authentic life, as they know what they want from you and what are they willing to give you. People forget society are created by people, so choose your people wisely as it may surprise your tribe was not that far off.

Lessons learned by my tribe:-

  • You don’t need to have answers for every questions you have in life. Instead of spending time trying to figure out things you can just live in the moment n enjoy it to the fullest Cos once it’s gone.
  • If you want to do something, then just do it. Don’t have to wait and see how it is going to change your life .
  • You need that 1 person to believe in you to achieve your dreams.
  • Everything new will always be hard but with enough time and effort it will get easier Or say fuck it and try something new.
  • Sometimes life push you to grow up and to your surprise you will get through it as a warrior.
  • You can ignore your problems all you want that doesn’t means it’s gone.
  • Just walk through it don’t stop! but make sure to rest up as well.
  • Not everyone is your well-wishers, so make sure to trust your instinct.
  • If you’re not hurting anyone in anyway you’re not responsible on how they interpret your actions.

What’s Next?

Sometimes you’ve got to walk away from something’s to walk into better things.

When you walk away from everything you have worked hard for while knowing full well that if you do decide to stay you would have excelled and eventually down the line you could have gotten your dream promotion. But, at what cost ? every morning, working 18hrs. a day will eventually make you emotional exhausted, the monotonous life that everyone tell you to be thankful is suffocating you. So I did what I want and left.

Now, what ? it’s been a month, I have partied, spent money and did nothing to improve myself….

(Will UPDATE as time passes by) Any advise are welcomed….

YOU UGLY!

This article is dedicated to my young cousins and any teenagers who are entering adulthood.

Based on the title “You Ugly” I would make whole bullet points, I even thought about how society has mould our principles on what beauty is and are we up to its standards. Sadly, the issue with these false set standards are they’re so vague plus we base it on emotions of whom have we surround ourself with. Seriously, avoid asking anyone but especially Asian aunties (Chinese / Thai / Malay / Indian etc..) “How Do I Look?” because you know what’s coming next, their replies will be sarcastic and it will be along the line of “You look so beautiful but you know if you apply some honey on your face twice a honey all the acne will go away” or “Oh My God! This dress looks so good on your body, next time try wearing dark color it will make you look slimmer” or “You know in the market nowadays you get padded bra wear those or the boys will think you are one of them” etc… than all your confidence you had when you left your mirror turns into self doubts. So when I sat down to write this, my mind went blank all the bullet points were valid but nothing would flow. I wanted to change the topic or easily write about body image, I just couldn’t stop thinking about why I created this topic at the first place. For a week, it was like having writer block, but I am not even a writer.

After a while, I almost gave up but as I scratching it way (I am so good at giving up) that day I felt tired and exhausted getting ready to take a shower so I can meet the man of my dream in my sleep so I needed to be fresh (yes I am very single). At the end of my “bathing rituals”, I looked myself in the mirror and went “Mirror Mirror on the wall who is the most messed up one of them all” like Queen Grimhilde (evil queen in snow white), naturally, my second thought should be “LOL” and move on with what I was doing but for no particular reason I just asked “how are you feeling?” within seconds tears were coming out with no particular reason in my mind, my head was down just sobbing to take a breath I looked up saw myself in the mirror and soothed myself as a second person without realizing I said “It’s OK, you did what you thought was the best at that moment” out loud, that lead to the most liberating and self-love moment I had because I know I am my worst critic, there are invisible wounds I have given to my soul and this body over the years but they have only to keep giving me enough to that my body kept it moving and my soul made sure my conscious was clear (I am not intentionally harming anyone). So till how long can I be a brat and remove faults in myself and not take responsibilities of the decisions. Mistakes were made and as I grow, I will make more. That is why I should woman up and deal with the repercussions and forgive myself while dealing with it.So, I collected myself with no clue how long I was crying, took a shower again it felt light I lost weight (Side Note:- Just imagine if we can physically lose weight, we all cry babies just shedding kilos and the weight loss industry would be so different), my face glowing, heart filled with nothing but compassion for myself and that was the best conversation I had with myself. That night I had the most peaceful sleep in a long time, woke up with my mind clear and my heart filled with peace .

When I was around 20, an understanding was coming in about the definition of “Beautiful & Ugly” because what I found beautiful others did not like it, so they got vocal about it, manipulated (by saying why their version is correct and will be so persistent until you get tired and agree with them) and worst of all is when others gives unsolicitated advice like they’re disturbing free flyer on the side of the road, without taking my feelings into considerations. So as I grew this so called “Beauty” made me felt how ugly it was, that slowly gave me the strength to say “No, this is not what I want” which I used it for all the aspect of my life from What dress I want to wear or the career I want to work in and even to who I want to say satsriakal (greet) etc… Once you that strength kicks in, gradually you will accept all your past faults that will lead you to stop blaming circumstances or others for where you are at life. Honestly, you will sincerely appreciate the freedom of choice and learn who you truly are. After a while when you take a shower and look at yourself in the mirror you won’t say “You Ugly” anymore but “Hey Beautiful, You did well”. Trust me this will be will be your beautiful moment, do not be mistaken this is a process there will be days you will hate the person you see but those moments will slowly decrease as time goes on.

What I want you to take away from this post is self-love is vital, it creates a strong stability in yourself and is one of the most powerful form of love you can gift yourself, but unlike any form of love it will need continuous work and tolerance for yourself. My unsolicitated advice for youngsters are this is your life so live it your way and don’t listen to all the advice others give you because they have lived their life and have faced their set of challenges. You need to be an author of your own story because life will happen, you will make mistakes and you alone will face those consequences (and that’s the fact). Trust me, once you make your own decision always analyze the pros and the cons of it and you will be amazed how everything else will fall in place in due time.

Covid-19 Morning

Morning, Morning, Morning ….. wake up to “Face the World” but when I woke up today there was a thought that crept in saying Am I Awake Enough to face my day? later I felt I am not! what should I do? why am I feeling this way as I should be positive nothing negative happened yesterday plus we were trained since childhood be positive when you wake up. So I started contemplating on these thoughts, I had no reasons for these heavy feeling than there was a rush of all these memories that came right in front of my eyes where it felt like I am watching my own movie, in disbelief i thought I was through with it, it’s the past than why I am remembering it but while watching it felt a pit in my stomach, after a while, a realization came that just because I ignored thinking about it doesn’t mean my I am over it, like a dirty pile of laundry, it has started to smell, So when I looked around my room (my mind) I had no clue it was soo mucky as a quick reaction I wanted to start cleaning but did not know where should I start, how do you start, do I need help ??? I felt so overwhelmed when I was forced to deal with the source of each problem individually to clean my dirty, messy room to make space for the future morning but this is not one morning deal, it’s a journey and this was my wake up call.

After an hour I gave myself anxiety attack, so I jumped out of bed now fully awake got in the bath sat on the toilet for 10 min (SIDE NOTE:- Women body are amazing like you can sit for an hour and you can keep on peeing in intervals) not sure how should I be feeling happy/disappointed/sad/hollow etc. At the end of the shower, I just felt anger pure red the 20 min car ride to work I knew I am angry don’t know why I. It doesn’t make sense of this feeling as when I woke up at 5 am to 7.30 am I had a range of emotions and at the end, I am just angry but on whom/why/how. At last, I reached work I met a housekeeper with a smile she asked me “How is the number looking for the weekend?” and my heart dropped because it dawned on me I just did not want to face this Covid19 ridden “New Normal” world is not about “MY Messy Room” but I do not see the light at the end of the tunnel and how am I suppose to give hope to other people. I had to reply her something, so I told her the truth because I do not want to give someone false hope as that is worst than shouting “Wolve is here” in that instant she just sighed later said along the line I wish they kicked me out as well at least I would get the compensation money than slogging for 2 people and not getting anything positive in return. At that moment I just hugged her because what she was feeling is exactly everyone in this working-class people is feeling. So, I went to changing myself gather myself, wash my face realised I we are in this hole together nothing can prepare you how to react to situations where you have no control over. 

In the briefing, everyone presenting their task list and numbers felt like Hey! at least they have something positive to show but when it was my turn shared my number and my tasks list consisted of replying my emails were following up refunds and dealing with the finance department than it hit me like a train wreck what positive am I doing for myself? what “Selfcare” activity I am doing and why am I feeling responsible for the world. If I can clean up my room, create more space, be kind to myself than only I take in these covid19 mornings. 

To the dear people reading this, you can’t save the world without saving yourself, you can’t fight someone else battles but if you take care of yourself you can be strong support for others and for yourself. So when I will wake up tomorrow instead of thinking I have to “Face the World” I will say what’s the most important mess that I need to sort out, make space for today. When coming to work I don’t have to be happy or extremely positive but just accept the fact things are going to happen that I won’t have any control over, so how I take in the matter of the situation, being supportive to my colleagues in the least but not at the cost of my mental and emotional health. 

Morning is your’s make what you want it to be. If you’re not ready for it take your time with it. Don’t forget you are here that is why you can set whatever tone for your day. 

First Tatoo

This is so true… I always wanted a tattoo since I was 18, I would just keep on telling my parents it’s so cool and hope to get it one day.

Years passed and I still wanted it, but for some reason I didn’t had the guts to go get one.

But in 2016, I was suffering professionally, they kept wanting me to be someone else. So my brother being the brave one (as usual ) , told me he is gonna get one and I said ok I am coming to Bangkok to support you.

Once we got there I was playing around with  the idea should I get it or not, then there was a phone call from my work asking some childish / immature  things and something just snapped inside .
I had this overwhelming feeling that – I need something to remind me what I represent – when I was getting it, I did not feel anything maybe because mentally and emotionally I was so drained that there is nothing left for me to feel.
Whenever I feel I don’t know who I am I just need to look at my tattoos.

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