Mothers, we don’t see…?

Disclaimer:- This is only my opinion, I sincerely mean no harm to anyone. I am not a mother and I will not pretend to know what a mother or woman feels like having a miscarriage. My whole blog will be an outsider looking at society respectfully. If I offend you please allow me to apologize it was never my intention to hurt any mothers out there.

Facts: Miscarriage is the spontaneous loss of a pregnancy before 20 weeks. It occurs in 10% to 20% of all pregnancies, most often before the 13th week of gestation. Many of these miscarriages happen before women even know they’re pregnant. It’s estimated that around 10% of known pregnancies are lost in the first trimester. Fewer than 4% of pregnancies miscarry in the second trimester.

I was around 13 + years old when I came across my first miscarriage experience, my aunt lost her baby, I remember distinctively watching Cartoon Network in the living room, my uncle comes in switching off the television hugs my grandma and starts to cry. I have no idea what just happened ’cause I’ve never seen a man breakdown and crying to his mom. I might have been young to understand what just happened but at that moment I knew we lost something that my strong uncle is on his knees. when my aunt did come back home I could see she lost her spark and was obsessed to be pregnant soon as if she needed to prove something. I have seen women from different houses would come in give her some encouragement but that would only make her feel more guilty with sweet sarcastic talks, my grandma did her best to keep the outsider away from the house, later in that year she was determined to get pregnant. In all honesty, at that time I had no idea what was happening but that’s the beginning of where I learned you can lose something precious that doesn’t physically exist, someone can blame themselves for the loss and try to prove other wrongs that would be called the aftereffect of miscarriage.

In my 20’s I was sitting with my girls in a cafeteria would talk about our future and exchange stories. One of them told us their experiences about having a miscarriage in the family, So I asked her what does miscarriage mean, mind you this was a time where Facebook was just coming in BlackBerry was the latest iPhone at that time and people were just starting to Google things out at least in Thailand. It was not that surprising to not have any clue about it, as our elders had made this topic too Taboo to share, even though it was common between women. She explained it to me, it clicked like a light bulb that’s what happened to my aunty, I did thorough research because I never wanted to be in a position that I don’t know if it happened to me or my friends or family. It was so mortifying to learn not only the process, the reason, but also the stigma a woman will carry, it shook me to the core of my heart. It felt like nature you couldn’t be any cruller to us women. We have to go through menstruations every month then have to properly track our ovulation (for some) to get pregnant, take care of ourselves, worry about financial status, make sure to keep ourselves safe, make sure they get all the nutrition for the nine months. During this time woman might face morning sickness, allergies, mental, physical issues before/during/after the birth. Medications are changed, can’t even eat and drink as she likes at the same time, she has to live her normal life. Even the birthing process is not kind to the woman, it doesn’t matter how much technology and science have advanced there are still cases where women die during birthing.

Let’s not forget getting pregnant or keeping the pregnancy is not an easy decision to make even in this day and age. This is a very surreal moment of her life, once she decides to have the child, that instant she becomes a mother, from then till her forever she feels responsible for her human being growing inside her, without a skip of a heartbeat everyone in her life will no longer be valued the same as before, her child’s wellbeing will be the only priority in her life. Others will see a new woman being born at the same times as she evolves from just a woman to become a Mother. She with or without her partner will start working on the life they want to give to their precious light, start finding the hospital for delivery, start playing with names, start making room, colour the walls, babyproof the house, buy clothes/toys/necessities, start keeping away money for their future, the style of parenting to choose, read all the children/parents related books out there, ask for all the advice from the trusted people etc… doing all this just for their light.

Could you even begin to comprehend all the future imagined, working to meet the expectations, just enjoying the happiness of making a human just vanishing in a split of a second whether, by accident or health reasons that caused a miscarriage, She would be the first to know as it’s her body and later to be confirmed by the doctor, your life just crashed in his confirmation. How would you grieve, for someone who was there with you for such a small period, they were inside you and no longer there anymore, you don’t even know how they would look like (especially if they were on full-term), you never had a chance to create a memory where they are in the frame with you or your family?. I won’t be arrogant by trying to replicate their feeling since I read through some website where people shared their experiences. Only those who have been through this are the strongest people.

After going through such a traumatic experience, they’re still a Mother that child will always be loved till her last breath. So as a society we need to prepare our future, friend and family about miscarriage. Let them know if god forbid in future if they face this where they turn to. Never blame, demean and stand up against anyone who makes them feel shameful or less than of a mother or call them names. We as a society need to do better by educating, normalizing and having an open discussion about it with anyone.

Most of the women go through all this by choice, just to become a “Mother”. Still in some parts of our society woman are just breeding machines, not respected, controlled by law and abused. Even though our existence created theirs. Don’t be fooled by saying that it only happens in villages. In our modern society, we still get criticized with a more grey tone. Surprisingly, this is not exclusive to Asian/Eastern culture but also is visible in Western culture.

P.S:- I sincerely hope that you do not go through this grief by yourself. Thanks to technology there are so many ways you can connect with mothers you have gone through this loss. If possible to reach out for counselling, make sure to share how you feel and take care of yourself. Do not forget you’re still a mother and that child was lucky to be a part of your life.

Source :-
https://www.verywellfamily.com/what-happens-during-a-miscarriage-2371361
http://depts.washington.edu/obgyn/images/TEAMM/training_materials/Swanson_Research-based-practice-with-women-who-have-had-miscarriage.pdf
https://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/06/miscarriage
https://www.tommys.org/baby-loss-support/pregnancy-loss-statistics
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/322634?c=779118925465#other-risk-factors

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